Still waiting to hear from the person who hurt you?
Waiting for their message doesn't make you weak. When hurtful words and warm gestures keep alternating, wanting to leave and hoping again can live in you at the same time.
In what order did the words that wounded and the warmth that soothed arrive? 20 questions trace the sequence.
20 questions · About 5 min · Nothing saved
The wound-and-salve relationship
Sometimes the person who hurts you starts to feel like your greatest comfort.
Look at the sweet moments separately from the words and behavior around them.
See the references
This tool draws on Dutton and Painter's traumatic bonding research, opens in a new window, Patrick Carnes's concept of the betrayal bond, opens in a new window, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline's trauma bonding explainer, opens in a new window. The 20 questions and response groupings were created by Re:Alive; the cited sources have not validated this scale. Trauma bonding is not a diagnosis, and neither missing someone nor a single argument can establish it.
Which relationship should we look at first?
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If the relationship is ongoing, think of the last 3 months. If it has ended, answer based on the last 3 months you were in contact.
Organizing your chosen scenes
Scenes recalled from the chosen relationship
This result is reference material showing how your 20 answers spread across four themes. It is not a diagnosis of any relationship or psychological state.
One small thing you can do today
Scenes marked 'Often / Almost always'
Answers by the four themes
Separate the change you saw then from the behavior that followed
The change at the timeImmediately visible changes — apologies, gifts, sweet words, renewed contact
The behavior that followedWhether they named specifically what was wrong, stopped the behavior, and didn't push when you said no
Temporary warmth doesn't mean the relationship has healed, and a simple argument alone can't establish trauma bonding. Watch whether real behavioral change continues after the apologies and promises.
What this result can tell you
This result sorts your chosen scenes into four themes. It doesn't replace a safety assessment or a medical diagnosis.
If there has been violence, confinement, stalking, sexual coercion, phone checks or location tracking, money being cut off or controlled, or threats of self-harm or harm to others, put safety before any question results. If you're in danger now, move to where people are and call 911.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) offers 24/7 support for survivors and their families, including referrals to emergency shelter if you need somewhere to stay.
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